Who are you?

The number of hits I receive is increasing on a daily basis and yet the only comments I receive are from two very annoying people. This leads me to believe that they are two stalkers obsessed enough to check in every half hour to see if something new has been posted. If, and only if, you are not one of these two people won’t you please send my a note? I’d love to hear from you.

Have I told you lately?

Do you really know how much I love you? I know I tell you every day but I hope my actions tell you as well. I hope you feel my love every time I touch you, I can’t keep my hands off of you, you are so beautiful to me. I hope you see and feel my love every time you look into my eyes.

Oh baby, thank you for making all of my dreams come true. Do you remember when we were just kids the countless hours we spent talking about how perfect our life together would be? I never thought our dreams would actually come true, but they have. I won’t apologize for the time we lost because the time away from each other made us who we are today, two people willing and able to accept and appreciate each other, flaws and all. We are finally capable and strong enough to stand on our own as individuals. We can agree to disagree when we have differing opinions. We can disagree without damaging each other, something we had trouble doing when we were just kids.  We are able to make plans for the future with the assurance that we’re both willing to follow through and contribute equally.

Thank you for being a true and trusted friend. I love you for listening to me and for remembering all of the little things I tell you. I love you for sharing your ideas, thoughts and feelings with me. I love the time we spend together catching up on the days events. I love you for being able to sit quietly together and understanding the connection we share through silence.

Thank you for the beautiful home we share. I have lived in many houses but for the first time in my life I feel at home. I love the fact that we have built this home together, all of us. I love the fact that Jesse and John have a home that they are proud of and enjoy bringing friends home with them. I love it when we suddenly have a house full of kids at dinner time because that means we have a home that is warm and comfortable and inviting.  I love it when your family drops in and appreciates the home we have built together. I love spending time together in a warm and secure home that is filled with things that we chose together, things that hold only memories of us.

Thank you for letting me be who I am. I love the fact that you understand and appreciate my sense of humor and you laugh at me even when I’m being silly. I love you for letting me be silly! I love you and thank you for understanding my different moods and allowing me time to myself when I need it. Thank you for knowing when and how to call bullshit.

Thank you for working so hard to take care of us. I love you for being able and willing to get up every morning and take on the world in order for all of us to have a comfortable life. I know that the work and the long hours can really wear you down but I thank you for taking it all in stride, for not complaining. I love that you are diligent about your schooling and I am so proud of your accomplishments. I love you for being willing to take on a new adventure that will take us clear around the world. I look forward to the opportunity to stand by your side and support you if and when things get tough in your new endeavor.

I love you for taking me on our rides together. Sitting behind you with my arms around you and my knees pressed against your beautiful strong thighs is something I look forward to all week long. I love that when we are out together on the bike it’s like being 16 again flying down the highway without a care in the world.

Thank you for giving me the chance to be a part of a warm and loving family. I love you for trusting me with what is the most precious to you, Jesse and John. I know it wasn’t easy at first for any of us and that I didn’t always handle things the way you would but I love the fact that we survived and that we are truly a family now. I love being called mom, I love cleaning and cooking and caring for all of you, I love helping with homework and going to football games. The first time the boys asked what we were having for family dinner night I felt so warm and accepted and loved. This is the family that we always dreamed of having. It is challenging on a very regular basis but there is never a dull moment, just as families should be. I know it’s not perfect but it’s about as close as it gets. Thank you, I love you.

I love you for being such a great dad. Every time I see you busy working on a project with the boys it warms my heart. You are so much like my dad, kind and caring and considerate. Strong and strict when you need to be but so patient and loving. They love you and adore you.

Thank you for the wonderful sex we experience. I love you for making me feel alive and beautiful and desired. I love the fact that you make me feel safe enough to be able to tell you and show you what I want and need. I love the fact that we can talk openly and honestly about our fantasies and desires. I love waking up and making love to you every morning and falling asleep every night after making love to you again. Never mind about the middle of the night sex, you know I can’t get enough of that either.

Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there’s no one above you? You fill my heart with gladness, take away my sadness, ease my troubles that’s what you do.

I love you baby.

Back to school?

Well, I guess it’s time I get back to school. I had an extended assignment at the primary school for several weeks before the Christmas break but have not been back since.  That all ends next Tuesday when the 6 a.m. phone calls start again that will send me to one of the four different school campuses. I don’t really have to work, and in some ways am reluctant to go back, but I do like being around the kids and it’s always an adventure and a great learning experience.

When I started substituting last year I wasn’t really sure if I would be able to handle the job or the kids but I made it through the year without having a nervous breakdown and without choking the life out a couple of the kids at the high school. This year has been much easier.  It was difficult as a newcomer being accepted into this small community. All of the teachers and faculty know each other and have been working together for years, they’re a tight knit group and in some ways very guarded and reluctant to get to know someone new. They also have children or grandchildren in the school system so they are very protective of who their children are exposed to. It amazed me the first time I went to the high school, the entire faculty knew each student by name. Most of the kids will go from preschool to graduation with the same classmates.  This confused me at first when I thought of my school experience and how many people came and went through my life as I grew up but there is such a strong sense of community here, a feeling that you belong to a family.

This year has been different. I was asked to come back as a substitute and was informed that numerous teachers request me when they are gone. The faculty at all of the schools now know me by name and are willing to take the time to chat. They ask about the boys and Kim, they know that we just moved into a beautiful new house, they know that Jesse is in the army now and that John’s grades have gone from C’s and D’s to A’s and B’s. The kids all call me Miss M and I don’t remember the last time that I made it through the grocery store without getting a hug from one of my kids from school. It’s a wonderful change.

I let the schools know that I would be taking some time off and would call them when I was ready to go back. We bought a wonderful house right before Christmas and decided to wait until after the first of year to move into it.  We spent several days cleaning and putting a fresh coat of paint on all of the walls. Fortunately we bought all new furniture so there was very little moving to do, just the kitchen and our personal belongings. Then there was three acres of land to be cleaned up, remnants of Ike. Luckily the county came by and cut the larger trees that were down and hauled them off, eighteen truck loads, but there is still a lot of clean up to be done. My new greenhouse is begging to be filled, and I’m still trying to decide where my next garden will be located. I’ve trimmed bushes and pruned the roses but I need to get the tomatoes and hot peppers started so they’ll be ready to be placed in the new garden. My avocado tree needs to be planted as does the pineapple we’ve been growing for the past two years.  My strawberries need to be moved from the old house to the new before the weather starts getting too warm to transplant them. The fence around the barn needs to be repaired before we can adopt a horse. It’s a wonderful home that I’m reluctant to leave. It’s a wonderful life that I am thankful for every morning when I wake up.

But it’s time to go back to school. The phone rang every morning last week, “are you ready to come back yet? Every campus has requested you today.”  Finally yesterday I let her know that I’ll be available starting next Tuesday, her response made me smile because it was a response that would rarely be used anywhere other than Texas, “praise Jesus.” I love my home but I do miss my kids.

What?

I’m a bit confused this evening and decided to take some time to write down a few thoughts. How long does it actually take to get over a failed relationship? Some people move on more quickly than others but they eventually do move on – at least I thought they do. This apparently is not true for some people as exhibited by the drunk that I removed from my life almost two years ago. He still continues to contact me either through this blog or by e-mail. He never actually has anything worthwhile to say but in some way it must make him feel better to pass on his commentary about my life. He also takes the time to look at my stepson’s myspace page, why?

He is remarried and has let me know in the past that she’s the best thing that has happened to him in a very long time. This adds to my confusion, if they are living the charmed life of a happy new couple why is he still checking on me? She has asked him to stop attempting to communicate with me but her request apparently isn’t important enough to him to abide by it.

WHY? Get on with your life renting out bowling shoes on base and spend your time taking care of yourself and the dumbass! My life and my family is not nor will it ever be any of your business. Just say thanks for kicking you the hell out of my life so you could move on to someone else willing to take of you. Then just delete my name from your computer and from your memory.

I’ve moved on, I’m over it and over you, are you not capable of maturing past the age of 12? That is when you started getting drunk isn’t it? Guess the good doctor at rehab was right – a drunk never manages to mature past the age when his addiction started.  But I wish you all the best with that addiction thing, no really, at the rate you’re going you ought to wear that liver out sometime in the very near future, guess that’ll put an end to your engaging comments.

People come and people go…..

Throughout our lifetime we meet a lot of people, some merely passing strangers, others friendly acquaintances. Some people we refer to as our friends, but what the term “friend” means is a very individual and personal matter to each and every one of us. I have recently been accused of being “friendless.” Perhaps this statement is true, but I must admit that I’d rather have no friends at all than be the kind of person that is so insecure that I collect people that add nothing positive to my life, and if given the opportunity affect my life negatively, just so that I can brag about having a large circle of friends. Maybe when I die it will be a lonely death with no circle of friends surrounding me, wailing at the thought of losing a great friend. On the other hand, maybe I will die alone secure in the knowledge that the few true friends I gather over my lifetime aren’t feigning grief while waiting to rummage through my belongings before my last dying breath even has a chance to leave my lips.

Over the past few days I have thought about the people that have come and gone out of my life and the people that still remain. Some of them merely slipped out of my life as our lives moved on and changed, some I still catch up with but not as often as I should, and then there are the ones that I gladly kicked the hell out of my life.

For me, a true friendship is based on honesty, mutual respect, and knowing when to just listen but not being afraid to speak up when necessary. A true friend lends a helping hand but knows when to expect me to work a problem out on my own. A true friend encourages me to be true to myself and care for myself. A true friend not only expects me to strive to grow and become a better person but knows that I expect the same from them. A true friend lets me cry and grieve but lets me know when it is time to let things go and get on with my life.

Many people have come and gone, very few of them do I miss. Does this make me selfish or friendless? I would like to think that friendship means much more than what can I get or they get from our relationship. True friends actually care, they aren’t in it for the benefits. So, I will admit that I have very few friends, by choice. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. Or just maybe I’m particular about the people that I let into my life.

Please write to me and explain what your definition of friendship is. I am always open to other points of view.

Hello Drunkass

Well, since you don’t seem to have anything better to do than check my blog and send me your nasty little comments I guess I’ll take a few minutes out of my day to respond. Hopefully the other person that reads this blog will take the time to respond and add their two cents to this argument.

I’m so glad to hear that you’re not missing me nor do you think about me. That is quite apparent by the number of times you just can’t help but check and see if I’ve written anything new. You’re probably right, this blog is probably just a worthless waste of time and I will take your advice into consideration and maybe someday in the near future I’ll delete it.  But if I do I’m not sure how you’ll succeed in finding me or figure out a way to communicate with me. It might just be worth it though if that’s the only way I’ll ever be able to get rid of your commentary on me and my life.

Sparring — I’d rather not, guess I said I was ready but that may have been a bit premature. I really don’t want to communicate with you at all. The only reason I wrote that post was to try to get you to stop harassing Laurie. Seems you two have come to a point in your relationship though that you don’t need me in the way, so write to her — leave me out of it.

So, let me point out that you are the one that gave up on our relationship. You are the one that wasted our money and doomed our future together. By the way what the fuck was so special about 1994? Which little tramp were you doing behind my back? Oh wait I take that back because according to you every female walking on two legs wanted to get a little Kelly, yeah right!  But back to my original point, please take a moment to reflect on our relationship at the beginning. I loved you so much that when you decided to try to make it in the golfing world I was the one that supported you, emotionally and financially. You are the one that decided that your path into the world of professional golfing took nothing more than a few rounds of golf a week and a whole lot of beer drinking with the guys. I believed in you – you took advantage of me.

When WE decided to move back to Denver WE agreed that working for ourselves would be a great way to achieve our goals, TOGETHER. We had it made, stressful – yes, did we have it made – yes. Great money, time off, we could have been retired with money in the bank right now. But let me see, YOU decided that you didn’t want to be bothered with the mundane daily work. You couldn’t stay sober enough to get through four hours a day at work, you decided to hide all of the bills in a file cabinet for year and then complain that we were going broke. You wanted to take responsibility for the financial end of the business and I let you, my mistake.

Um, what else? You were bored so I told you I thought you should go back to school. How long did you make it – one week? I decided to go back to school and you agreed, but you later told me that when I went back to school you resented it. Why?

As for my friendship with Andy, I was never unfaithful. I could have been, had many opportunities but loved you too much. He was and is merely a trusted friend that I could get together with and have a good conversation over a couple of beers. How often did I see him — really, if we had something going don’t you think I would have seen him a bit more than once every year or two?

So, let’s move on to Ass…………. Yeah right! Jealous of a little twit that you yourself named dumbass and commented on many occasions that the only way she’d ever get layed was if she learned to keep her mouth shut. I’m sure you two have a lot in common though, she’s a 23 year old idiot that never had an original thought in her life and you are a 41 year old lazy drunkass that finally found a job renting bowling shoes at a recreation center on base. Apparently she’s gotten over her fear of old man balls! When she lived with us and accidently saw you naked I thought she was going to gouge her eyes out – but that was then before she landed prince charming.

How pathetic are you? You want to throw out personal information out at me and complain about how I need to attack other people in order to feel good about myself? What does that make you and the dumbass? What do you two do other than sit around and wonder about what I’m doing and why I don’t love you anymore? I’ll tell both of you why I don’t love you and eliminated you both from my life – you are both insecure little children still trying to deal with your issues of rejection and loss. You two have a lot in common, both of you were pushed aside by parents that were and are too busy with their new lives to give a shit about the children they brought into this world. You can say all you want about me babysitting someone else’s kids but at least I actually give a shit about their well being, I am not ashamed of being a stepmother and I will never apologize for it. Simply possessing a uterus that functions does not make a woman a mother nor does donating sperm make a man a father – you should know that fact by heart considering the relationship you have with both of your parents.

You want to continue to spar? WHY? You’re in love with your soulmate and living the charmed life in Europe, get on with it. Just say thank you that I came to my senses and moved on with my life and gave you the opportunity to do the same. As you have stated on numerous occasions you don’t love me and haven’t for a number of years so leave me the fuck alone and get on with your life.

Come on out – there’s no reason to hide.

I have avoided writing this for quite some time now but for reasons beyond my control I must address a particular person from my past. He does not frighten nor intimidate me, he just irritates the shit out of me. He has recently decided to harass other people in what I am assuming is his lame attempt at upsetting me to the point that I will once again open a line of communication with him. Not that it is a conversation he’s looking for, no, it’s because he can’t seem to get over the need to verbally assault and insult me. So, stop hiding behind numerous names, stop harassing people that you don’t even know, come out of the shadows and for once in your adult life act like a man.

Allow me the pleasure of starting this little sparring match. We are no longer married and there is no reason for us to continue to speak or communicate. Actually, the only time you even cross my mind is when you barge back into my life. Oh, and whenever the subject of a worthless drunk comes up, yes I do think about you then.

As you so eloquently pointed out to me months ago you are married and off to see the world with the new little woman. GO! See the fucking world! Fuck the new bride in every country in Europe! How many times do I need to tell you that I don’t care. If you spend a little less time trying to track me down and dreaming up ways to piss me off or get a reaction from me and spend more time on your new life this marriage just might work out for you. Good! Glad! Hope it does! I DON’T CARE!

You found the perfect mate, she’s getting an education and supporting your lazy drunk ass. Glad I came to my senses when I did, a little late I will admit, but I did come to my senses. The ironic thing is the new Mrs. Drunk is the same person that could never understand why I put up with your laziness and your drinking. But it is sweet of her, and lucky for you, that she’s willing to overlook those endearing qualities of yours. I must admit though that I’m kind of creeped out just thinking about how many times she told me that you were the father that she always wanted. But I do hope the two of you are happy together.

As for my new life – it’s none of your fucking business! You gave up the right to know anything about me when you decided to trade our marriage in for a barstool and drinking buddies. When we split up you told me that you had hated me for a number of years but just couldn’t give up the free ride and the money. Well, I’ll accept that and even admit that I could have done things differently as well. Bottom line – I didn’t – you didn’t – end of story.

I have been reluctant to write about my new life because I really don’t want you to know anything about me nor do I care to hear your opinions, however, you have changed my mind. If you are still so obsessed that you are willing to subject yourself to the details of my life then so be it. Read it, absorb it, fucking memorize it if it’ll make you feel better. You will quickly come to the realization that I made the right decision, that my life is not perfect, thank god, but it is wonderful. Kim and I don’t always agree, again thank god, but we do love and respect each other enough to listen to each other and make decisions based on mutual trust and respect. We are equal partners working towards the same goals. He is a man of integrity, he’s honest, he works hard everyday to support and care for his family. He’s intelligent, funny, kind, strong and sexy as hell. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am to him and that he loves and cherishes me. Oh and I know that you don’t put much emphasis on a healthy sex drive or sex life and that you thought I was a lousy lay but maybe it was just the lazy, unimaginative sex partner that I used to be married to.  I don’t know, just a thought. Unlike our sex life when I just couldn’t wait for it to be over because you didn’t have a clue how to get me off, Kim knows what he’s doing and he does it quite well.

I would appreciate you directing your comments at me and leave Laurie out of this little mind-fuck game you’ve decided to play. Despite what you might think she and I are not close friends and until a couple of days ago I didn’t even know that you were posting idiotic messages on her site. As for her offering to help me with my writing, take a close look at the posts on this site, does it look like I’ve been doing any writing? Unlike you I have a very busy and full life and not much time left over in the day to write.

Just one last thing, has your thought process and writing ability really deteriorated that much over the last couple of years or are you drinking that much? You complain about my writing ability and you can’t even put together a cohesive e-mail. If you really feel the need to critique my writing, and Laurie’s writing for that matter, at least present yourself as someone intelligent enough to make a coherent and valid point.

The Icebreaker

As he looks deep into her eyes his fingertips move across her cheekbone then down the side of her face to her jaw. He moves his hand along her jaw, across her ear and then runs his fingertips through her thick auburn hair. Her head is spinning, reeling with emotion and excitement. As she struggles to quiet her mind she suddenly feels tears forming on the inside corners of her eyes. She bows her head in an attempt to hide her emotions from him, she doesn’t want him to see her crying. But he knows her all to well, he doesn’t have to see the tears to know exactly what is happening, her silence and body tells him all he needs to know. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry if I’ve upset you by telling you I love you but I couldn’t hold it in. Even after all these years the moment I saw you standing in the doorway all I could think of was how beautiful you are and how much I love you.” As he holds her face between his hands he gently kisses her forehead. She lifts her head and looks into the beautiful brown eyes smiling at her, he uses his thumbs to gently remove the tears slowly sliding down her face and then leans over and kisses away the new tears beginning to form. Again, her mind is screaming, “I love you too, I always have,” but she just can’t seem to find the courage to tell him. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying, nervousness I guess,” she tells him as she tries her best to get her emotions back under control, ”I’m so glad you’re here, for a minute there I thought maybe you changed your mind and decided not to come.” As she sits next to him she tries to discreetly review him, she suddenly feels quite shy as if they were again young teenagers getting to know each other.  ”I was thinking the same thing as I sat here waiting but I’m so glad that we’re here together, finally,” he replies. They sit quietly for a moment looking each other over, the reality of the moment finally sinking in for both of them. “I hope you didn’t mind the change of plans, I know we had discussed meeting at your house but I thought it might be safer for both of us if we met somewhere in public. I must admit that even though we’ve spent a great deal of time talking over the past few months I’m still not quite sure what we’re doing or where we’re headed,” she explains. “We both know,” he replies, “that we couldn’t be sure exactly how we feel about each other, or our situation, until we were able to see each other and talk face to face. But I must admit that as soon as I saw you, as soon as you smiled at me and I was finally able to be close to you and touch you all of the doubt and uneasiness and fear disappeared, I have always loved you and I always will. If you don’t mind let’s continue this at that quiet little table over there in the corner where we can have some privacy.” As they gather up their belongings and order two more drinks the bartender asks, “so how long have you two been married?” “We’re not married, in fact this is the first time we’ve seen each other in over 25 years,” Jim explains. “Oh, I assumed by the electricity in the air and the way you two have been acting that you were either newlyweds or a couple that have been in love for a very long time,” the bartender responded. “Not newlyweds but yes we have been in love with each other for a very long time,” Jim responds.

As she steps down from the barstool he can’t help but watch as her thigh once again parts the hem of her dress revealing the beautiful legs that had been a cherished memory over the years. He follows her as they make their way from the bar to a small table in a dark and secluded corner. His mind is racing as he watches the beautiful green silk dress that clings to her body. He smiles as he remembers the look and feel of the body seductively moving in front of him. As he pulls her chair out from the table his free hand instinctively moves to the small of her back and he moves close enough to lean over and smell her hair. The feel of his strong hand against her back sends a tingle throughout her body, the hair on her arms suddenly raising with excitement and anticipation. As they sit together he takes both of her hands into his and gently massages her hands just as he had done when they were kids. Her mind couldn’t focus on what he was saying, she was lost in the feeling of his strong hands and how much comfort and safety and pleasure they had given her. “Oh baby, Lori, are you okay sweetheart?” “Oh, uh yes I’m fine I was just lost in thought for a second there, I’m sorry, “ Lori replied. As they sat together in the privacy of the corner neither of them were able to take their eyes off of the other nor could they help but smile as they looked deeply into each other eyes. “I’ve been such a nervous wreck over the past few days. I just can’t believe that we’re here together. I know we’ve been talking about this for a while now but I thought this day would never come, and to think that just a couple of months ago I just happened to open my e-mail and found a note that I’ve been waiting for and dreaming of for years, hello my name is Jim if you remember me please write back.” Neither of them could help but laugh at the thought that either of them could ever forget what they had shared and how much they had loved each other. “I regretted the wording as soon as I hit the send button but by then it was too late. You have to realize though that I had no idea what your situation was or where you were or how you would feel about hearing from me after all these years,” Jim explained, “the last time we talked we were both married and I had a brand new son but that was seventeen years ago.” “Well, I’m just glad you took the time to track me down or we wouldn’t be sitting here right now. So, after all the conversations we’ve had over the past few months I know we’ve agreed that we’d like to consider trying it again but there was one last obstacle to overcome, do we still find each other attractive, is the chemistry between us still there?” “Oh baby, I meant it when I told you how beautiful you are and I also meant it when I told you that I love you,” he replies. “But it’s been so long and we’re both older and softer and I’m so afraid that I can’t compete with the picture you have of me in your head. I need to know that you still find me attractive, that I still excite you, that you can’t wait to touch me and feel me against your body,” she explains. As she looks at him she searches for an answer. “You are the most beautiful creature I have ever known. The moment I saw you when we were just kids I fell in love with you. That was 33 years ago and I have never stopped loving you and I have never met another woman that took my breath away the way you do. You were the object of my dreams when I was just a teenage boy and you still are. I know you want me to tell you that I still see you as the beautiful young girl that I fell in love with but I can’t do that, I won’t do that.” She suddenly feels the blood rush to her cheeks and her legs begin to tremble as she tries to understand what she has just been told. Should she cry, should she respond in anger, or should she just get out of the room and away from him as quickly as her legs can carry her?

She takes a sip from the drink that suddenly doesn’t seem stronger enough to sooth her nerves. As her hand moves the glass to her lips he realizes that she is trembling, he notices the redness of her cheeks, the shallowness of her breaths. “Oh baby, to tell you that you look like the girl I found completely irresistable would be a lie and we promised to be completely honest with each other. To tell you that you haven’t changed over the past 25 years would be to ignore or overlook the way you’ve changed with time and maturity and as a result of the life you’ve lived and the lessons you’ve learned. But I will be completely honest with you and tell you that you are more beautiful at this very moment than you have ever been or ever were and I wouldn’t want to change one single thing about you. Your beauty isn’t just the way you look to me physically it’s also your intelligence, your wit, your sense of humor, your kind and generous nature. That’s what I see, all of you. That’s what makes you beautiful to me. I will admit though that when I watched you walking through the room towards me I was undressing you with my eyes and I’m not sure how I’ve managed to keep my hands to myself.” As he leans over to kiss her she whispers, “maybe we should finish our drinks and go to our rooms, it’s been a very long, emotional day for both of us.” “Rooms?” he asks. “I was hoping it would turn out this way,” she replies grinning wickedly “that’s why I got a suite, it shouldn’t be all that hard to open the sliding doors between our rooms. Why don’t I go up and get ready while you talk to room service about some nice refreshments and snacks, I have a feeling we’re going to be very hungry and very thirsty before the night is over.”  ”Okay, but promise you won’t remove one shoe, or one stocking, or one piece of clothing, I don’t want to miss a single thing. I want to remember every moment and every detail of tonight.” 

A Dress Rehearsal

Why did she ask me to meet her here? He gathered his luggage and walked outside to flag down a cab. As the cab chauffeured him to his destination his mind drifted. Where is she and what’s she up to? This isn’t exactly what we had planned when we talked about meeting but she asked me to trust her and I do. The car deposited him at his destination and he checked in at the front desk then made his way to his room just as her note had instructed.

Why was the clock moving so slowly. He made himself a drink, lit a cigarette and once again drifted off into his thoughts. Is she here? Does she know I’m here waiting? His heart was pounding, his breath became shallower with each passing thought. Calm down, he told himself, you’re acting like a love struck 16 year old. The thought brought a smile to his face, a sudden overwhelming warmth in his heart. Once again he glanced at the clock, eight o’clock, it’s time. As he made his way to the bar he glanced around wishing, hoping to see her waiting for her, for a moment angry that she wasn’t. She’s testing my patience he thought to himself. He could feel the excitement and anticipation of her arrival slowly filling the room.

He sat down at the bar, ordered two drinks and nervously lit a cigarette. He had chosen a place at the bar where he could see anyone approaching the entrance. More importantly it was dark and cozy and secluded. It was the perfect setting for the scene that was about to be played out. Slowly he sipped his drink half listening to the noise and conversation going on around him. His leg nervously jumping his heart barely beating. She’s not coming. She should be here by now, his mind screams. And then, she’s there, standing in the doorway. As she searches the room with her eye he sits there, motionless. He sees her eyes searching for his, for a moment her expression displays the fear she suddenly feels. Her heart stops, her body tenses, her mind races. He changed his mind, he’s not here. She could feel her legs trembling. Then, in an instant, she can feel his eyes upon her. His warm, dark eyes scanning her, reading her thoughts and emotions. The blood rushes to her cheeks, slowly she turns her gaze towards him reacting as if she were the shy young girl he had met so long ago. They remain quiet and still, their eyes speaking to each other, they both smile the same instant and uncontrollable smile. As she slowly moves towards him from across the room he watches her. Her face, the beautiful curves of her body, the movement of her hips. Closer and closer she moves. The details becoming clearer and clearer to him.

Her hair, how it curls around the edges of her face before it cascades over her shoulders. Her dark brown eyes, the moisture glistening on her lips. As his eyes slowly move further and further down her body he can feel his body tensing with excitement and yet he suddenly feels so serene and relaxed. His body tingling with the thought of finally reaching out and touching her. He absorbs every detail of her. The dark green color of the silk dress that moves with her body, the way it clings to her seductively and at the same time hides the secrets that lay beneath it. The buttons running suggestively up the front of it, her inner thighs teasing his eyes as her legs momentarily part the hem. His eye moves further down along the black silk stockings that enhance her legs, her feet slowly and deliberately moving towards him. He smiles as he realizes that the black  “come fuck me” stilettos were a discrete but deliberate promise of what the night would hold.

As she moves up next to him he can smell the scent of her. Not the perfume she wears but the scent that he remembers when thinking of the times they danced holding each other so close they could feel each others hearts, the hours they spent snuggled tightly together watching movies, the scent of her passion and desire. His skin tingled as she comes close enough to ignite the spark between their bodies, both of their bodies yearning to feel the touch of the other. They both look deeply into each other eyes, their smiles softening. As she lifts herself on to the stool beside him he can’t help but notice the beautiful flesh of her thigh as it peeks out from above her stocking when she crosses her legs. He wants to feel her, to touch her, to hold and kiss her. For a moment he’s afraid to touch her, he wants them both to remember this moment forever. Silently he looks deeply into her eyes, he leans over and softly whispers “I love you.” Very gently, tenderly he kisses her lips, the same tender, gentle kiss that stole her heart the very first time he kissed her.   

Sleeping With The Enemy

Recently, while enjoying an article posted by one of my new favorite pundits I read about a sweet message that was passed to her from a wonderful stranger who took the time to notice one the subtle messages that we all emit without even realizing it. The author was having a bad day and the woman in front of her in the checkout line at the grocery store took the time to speak to her and pass her a note. This was a note that the elderly woman had received after the death of her husband and son and contained some words of wisdom that helped her cope with her grief. The note basically conveyed the thought that people move in and out of our lives. Some of them are with us briefly, others remain for years but no matter what the case may be they are in our life for a reason. Each and every person we come in contact with brings some experience or lesson or message with them.

Now I have known this for a very long time, I’ve passed this wisdom on to other people in my life, never so eloquently but even so I have been a true believer in this message for a very long time. The problem is I sometimes forget this and fall into the old pattern of why me? Why am I being treated this way? Who in the hell is this asshole and how did I end up in a relationship with him? How in the world did I ever get so lucky to find someone who loves me for who I am and do I really deserve him? But again, I have used this explanation many times in the past, usually to explain a very stupid or unhealthy decision I’ve made. Somehow it’s easier for me to accept some of the things that I have experienced if I simply accept the fact that I needed someone to treat me poorly in order for me to realize what I did or didn’t like or would no longer accept or tolerate. Other times I used it to acknowledge painful experiences by accepting the fact that just as I had used other people to grow as a person so had people used me to experience their life lessons.

It isn’t easy or comfortable to lose those people that we love and hold dear and others we remove willingly. Whatever the case may be each and every person we encounter brings something special and important into our lives. They each bring with them some life lesson. It is through all of these lessons and experiences that we become who and what we are. We must learn to accept and appreciate the good and the bad.

So, it is time for me to thank someone that came into my life at a time when I hated who I was and was in the process of punishing myself for breaking the heart of someone I loved very much. This person taught me some of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned. He spent ten years teaching me how to be a better person, then I kicked his ass out the door.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for letting me pay all the bills while you spent your money on yourself. I have learned how important it is to have a partner that is willing to share the responsibility of caring for and supporting each other.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for quitting your job because someone pissed you off or looked at you the wrong way. I have learned how much I appreciate a partner that is capable of taking the good with the bad and is committed to his career.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for insisting the house be perfect and spotless. I now know that I am capable of keeping a house spotless but I will never again be a slave to housework. Also, I now understand that a house is not a home and a home does not need to be perfect as long as it is filled with love, laughter and respect.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for launching sharp projectiles at me while my back was turned. I learned very quickly to keep my senses alert and actually developed eyes in the back of my head, just ask my teenage step-sons if you don’t believe this is possible.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for using household furnishings as weapons against me. I am quite confident that I can still deflect a coffee table, a kitchen chair and large pieces of stereo equipment should the need arise.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for making me suffer through days and weeks of silence. I will never again remain silent nor will I allow my partner to remain silent when we have a misunderstanding or disagree.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for insisting on having everything your way. Never again will I allow someone else to dictate my thoughts, beliefs or actions. I will be more than willing to compromise and will expect nothing less from my partner, however, I am entitled to have an opinion.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for breaking my tailbone. Each and every time I sit in that particular position that sends sharp pains up my back it reminds me that I made the right decision when I removed you from my life.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for trying to run me over with the car. I now know that my reflexes are quick enough, and my mind reacts fast enough to enable me to jump on the hood of a moving car. Guess countless hours of cop shows growing up came in handy too. Bo and Luke Duke have nothing on me.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for not giving me the children I so desperately wanted. The thought of having to deal with you for the rest of my life makes me nauseous and makes my heart race. Besides the first time you touched one of them the way you touched me I would have been spending the rest of my life wearing striped clothing.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for clarifying my hatred of the word cunt. Never again will I quietly accept the use of this word as a description of me. By the way, sorry if I hurt you when you called me a cunt in front of the neighbors. I didn’t realize that I was strong enough to pick you up and slam you against the wall.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for allowing your girlfriend to visit our home while I was at work and for allowing her to leave her cigarette butts in the ashtray. I knew right away they couldn’t have belonged to your cousin Tom, it was the wrong shade of pink. I will never again settle for a partner that doesn’t have the balls to try to repair our relationship prior to picking out a girlfriend.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for treating me as your own personal sexual blowup doll to be used and abused whenever, wherever, and however you wished. I will never allow my body to be sexually used or abused again. I will never settle for a partner that does not love, honor, and respect me and my body. I am thankful that the love of my life gently and tenderly makes love to me instead of fucking me, unless of course, I ask him to.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for using me as your personal punching bag. I will never allow another man to hit me or raise a hand to me nor will I ever raise my hand to another human being. I know what it does to a person physically, mentally and emotionally.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for insisting we try marriage counseling. I appreciated the opportunity to share every intimate detail of our marriage with a counselor. Mostly, I appreciated his suggestion that we get as far away from each other as possible. He must have seen something in my eyes that gave him the the impression that I was about to snap. Or maybe he found that shopping list that I misplaced: shovel, duct tape, rope, lime, arsenic.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for not allowing me to quit a job that I absolutely hated because if I had I never would have met one of the best friends I have ever had. A friend that listened patiently and then never failed to give me a swift kick in the ass for settling for so much less than I deserved. A friend that helped me see my way out of a horrible marriage.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for teaching me all of these things and so much more. I will never be able to repay you for the very personal and private lessons. I wish for you only good things and hope you have a rich and fulfilling life.

No, really, I do.