The Icebreaker

As he looks deep into her eyes his fingertips move across her cheekbone then down the side of her face to her jaw. He moves his hand along her jaw, across her ear and then runs his fingertips through her thick auburn hair. Her head is spinning, reeling with emotion and excitement. As she struggles to quiet her mind she suddenly feels tears forming on the inside corners of her eyes. She bows her head in an attempt to hide her emotions from him, she doesn’t want him to see her crying. But he knows her all to well, he doesn’t have to see the tears to know exactly what is happening, her silence and body tells him all he needs to know. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry if I’ve upset you by telling you I love you but I couldn’t hold it in. Even after all these years the moment I saw you standing in the doorway all I could think of was how beautiful you are and how much I love you.” As he holds her face between his hands he gently kisses her forehead. She lifts her head and looks into the beautiful brown eyes smiling at her, he uses his thumbs to gently remove the tears slowly sliding down her face and then leans over and kisses away the new tears beginning to form. Again, her mind is screaming, “I love you too, I always have,” but she just can’t seem to find the courage to tell him. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying, nervousness I guess,” she tells him as she tries her best to get her emotions back under control, ”I’m so glad you’re here, for a minute there I thought maybe you changed your mind and decided not to come.” As she sits next to him she tries to discreetly review him, she suddenly feels quite shy as if they were again young teenagers getting to know each other.  ”I was thinking the same thing as I sat here waiting but I’m so glad that we’re here together, finally,” he replies. They sit quietly for a moment looking each other over, the reality of the moment finally sinking in for both of them. “I hope you didn’t mind the change of plans, I know we had discussed meeting at your house but I thought it might be safer for both of us if we met somewhere in public. I must admit that even though we’ve spent a great deal of time talking over the past few months I’m still not quite sure what we’re doing or where we’re headed,” she explains. “We both know,” he replies, “that we couldn’t be sure exactly how we feel about each other, or our situation, until we were able to see each other and talk face to face. But I must admit that as soon as I saw you, as soon as you smiled at me and I was finally able to be close to you and touch you all of the doubt and uneasiness and fear disappeared, I have always loved you and I always will. If you don’t mind let’s continue this at that quiet little table over there in the corner where we can have some privacy.” As they gather up their belongings and order two more drinks the bartender asks, “so how long have you two been married?” “We’re not married, in fact this is the first time we’ve seen each other in over 25 years,” Jim explains. “Oh, I assumed by the electricity in the air and the way you two have been acting that you were either newlyweds or a couple that have been in love for a very long time,” the bartender responded. “Not newlyweds but yes we have been in love with each other for a very long time,” Jim responds.

As she steps down from the barstool he can’t help but watch as her thigh once again parts the hem of her dress revealing the beautiful legs that had been a cherished memory over the years. He follows her as they make their way from the bar to a small table in a dark and secluded corner. His mind is racing as he watches the beautiful green silk dress that clings to her body. He smiles as he remembers the look and feel of the body seductively moving in front of him. As he pulls her chair out from the table his free hand instinctively moves to the small of her back and he moves close enough to lean over and smell her hair. The feel of his strong hand against her back sends a tingle throughout her body, the hair on her arms suddenly raising with excitement and anticipation. As they sit together he takes both of her hands into his and gently massages her hands just as he had done when they were kids. Her mind couldn’t focus on what he was saying, she was lost in the feeling of his strong hands and how much comfort and safety and pleasure they had given her. “Oh baby, Lori, are you okay sweetheart?” “Oh, uh yes I’m fine I was just lost in thought for a second there, I’m sorry, “ Lori replied. As they sat together in the privacy of the corner neither of them were able to take their eyes off of the other nor could they help but smile as they looked deeply into each other eyes. “I’ve been such a nervous wreck over the past few days. I just can’t believe that we’re here together. I know we’ve been talking about this for a while now but I thought this day would never come, and to think that just a couple of months ago I just happened to open my e-mail and found a note that I’ve been waiting for and dreaming of for years, hello my name is Jim if you remember me please write back.” Neither of them could help but laugh at the thought that either of them could ever forget what they had shared and how much they had loved each other. “I regretted the wording as soon as I hit the send button but by then it was too late. You have to realize though that I had no idea what your situation was or where you were or how you would feel about hearing from me after all these years,” Jim explained, “the last time we talked we were both married and I had a brand new son but that was seventeen years ago.” “Well, I’m just glad you took the time to track me down or we wouldn’t be sitting here right now. So, after all the conversations we’ve had over the past few months I know we’ve agreed that we’d like to consider trying it again but there was one last obstacle to overcome, do we still find each other attractive, is the chemistry between us still there?” “Oh baby, I meant it when I told you how beautiful you are and I also meant it when I told you that I love you,” he replies. “But it’s been so long and we’re both older and softer and I’m so afraid that I can’t compete with the picture you have of me in your head. I need to know that you still find me attractive, that I still excite you, that you can’t wait to touch me and feel me against your body,” she explains. As she looks at him she searches for an answer. “You are the most beautiful creature I have ever known. The moment I saw you when we were just kids I fell in love with you. That was 33 years ago and I have never stopped loving you and I have never met another woman that took my breath away the way you do. You were the object of my dreams when I was just a teenage boy and you still are. I know you want me to tell you that I still see you as the beautiful young girl that I fell in love with but I can’t do that, I won’t do that.” She suddenly feels the blood rush to her cheeks and her legs begin to tremble as she tries to understand what she has just been told. Should she cry, should she respond in anger, or should she just get out of the room and away from him as quickly as her legs can carry her?

She takes a sip from the drink that suddenly doesn’t seem stronger enough to sooth her nerves. As her hand moves the glass to her lips he realizes that she is trembling, he notices the redness of her cheeks, the shallowness of her breaths. “Oh baby, to tell you that you look like the girl I found completely irresistable would be a lie and we promised to be completely honest with each other. To tell you that you haven’t changed over the past 25 years would be to ignore or overlook the way you’ve changed with time and maturity and as a result of the life you’ve lived and the lessons you’ve learned. But I will be completely honest with you and tell you that you are more beautiful at this very moment than you have ever been or ever were and I wouldn’t want to change one single thing about you. Your beauty isn’t just the way you look to me physically it’s also your intelligence, your wit, your sense of humor, your kind and generous nature. That’s what I see, all of you. That’s what makes you beautiful to me. I will admit though that when I watched you walking through the room towards me I was undressing you with my eyes and I’m not sure how I’ve managed to keep my hands to myself.” As he leans over to kiss her she whispers, “maybe we should finish our drinks and go to our rooms, it’s been a very long, emotional day for both of us.” “Rooms?” he asks. “I was hoping it would turn out this way,” she replies grinning wickedly “that’s why I got a suite, it shouldn’t be all that hard to open the sliding doors between our rooms. Why don’t I go up and get ready while you talk to room service about some nice refreshments and snacks, I have a feeling we’re going to be very hungry and very thirsty before the night is over.”  ”Okay, but promise you won’t remove one shoe, or one stocking, or one piece of clothing, I don’t want to miss a single thing. I want to remember every moment and every detail of tonight.” 

A Dress Rehearsal

Why did she ask me to meet her here? He gathered his luggage and walked outside to flag down a cab. As the cab chauffeured him to his destination his mind drifted. Where is she and what’s she up to? This isn’t exactly what we had planned when we talked about meeting but she asked me to trust her and I do. The car deposited him at his destination and he checked in at the front desk then made his way to his room just as her note had instructed.

Why was the clock moving so slowly. He made himself a drink, lit a cigarette and once again drifted off into his thoughts. Is she here? Does she know I’m here waiting? His heart was pounding, his breath became shallower with each passing thought. Calm down, he told himself, you’re acting like a love struck 16 year old. The thought brought a smile to his face, a sudden overwhelming warmth in his heart. Once again he glanced at the clock, eight o’clock, it’s time. As he made his way to the bar he glanced around wishing, hoping to see her waiting for her, for a moment angry that she wasn’t. She’s testing my patience he thought to himself. He could feel the excitement and anticipation of her arrival slowly filling the room.

He sat down at the bar, ordered two drinks and nervously lit a cigarette. He had chosen a place at the bar where he could see anyone approaching the entrance. More importantly it was dark and cozy and secluded. It was the perfect setting for the scene that was about to be played out. Slowly he sipped his drink half listening to the noise and conversation going on around him. His leg nervously jumping his heart barely beating. She’s not coming. She should be here by now, his mind screams. And then, she’s there, standing in the doorway. As she searches the room with her eye he sits there, motionless. He sees her eyes searching for his, for a moment her expression displays the fear she suddenly feels. Her heart stops, her body tenses, her mind races. He changed his mind, he’s not here. She could feel her legs trembling. Then, in an instant, she can feel his eyes upon her. His warm, dark eyes scanning her, reading her thoughts and emotions. The blood rushes to her cheeks, slowly she turns her gaze towards him reacting as if she were the shy young girl he had met so long ago. They remain quiet and still, their eyes speaking to each other, they both smile the same instant and uncontrollable smile. As she slowly moves towards him from across the room he watches her. Her face, the beautiful curves of her body, the movement of her hips. Closer and closer she moves. The details becoming clearer and clearer to him.

Her hair, how it curls around the edges of her face before it cascades over her shoulders. Her dark brown eyes, the moisture glistening on her lips. As his eyes slowly move further and further down her body he can feel his body tensing with excitement and yet he suddenly feels so serene and relaxed. His body tingling with the thought of finally reaching out and touching her. He absorbs every detail of her. The dark green color of the silk dress that moves with her body, the way it clings to her seductively and at the same time hides the secrets that lay beneath it. The buttons running suggestively up the front of it, her inner thighs teasing his eyes as her legs momentarily part the hem. His eye moves further down along the black silk stockings that enhance her legs, her feet slowly and deliberately moving towards him. He smiles as he realizes that the black  “come fuck me” stilettos were a discrete but deliberate promise of what the night would hold.

As she moves up next to him he can smell the scent of her. Not the perfume she wears but the scent that he remembers when thinking of the times they danced holding each other so close they could feel each others hearts, the hours they spent snuggled tightly together watching movies, the scent of her passion and desire. His skin tingled as she comes close enough to ignite the spark between their bodies, both of their bodies yearning to feel the touch of the other. They both look deeply into each other eyes, their smiles softening. As she lifts herself on to the stool beside him he can’t help but notice the beautiful flesh of her thigh as it peeks out from above her stocking when she crosses her legs. He wants to feel her, to touch her, to hold and kiss her. For a moment he’s afraid to touch her, he wants them both to remember this moment forever. Silently he looks deeply into her eyes, he leans over and softly whispers “I love you.” Very gently, tenderly he kisses her lips, the same tender, gentle kiss that stole her heart the very first time he kissed her.   

Sleeping With The Enemy

Recently, while enjoying an article posted by one of my new favorite pundits I read about a sweet message that was passed to her from a wonderful stranger who took the time to notice one the subtle messages that we all emit without even realizing it. The author was having a bad day and the woman in front of her in the checkout line at the grocery store took the time to speak to her and pass her a note. This was a note that the elderly woman had received after the death of her husband and son and contained some words of wisdom that helped her cope with her grief. The note basically conveyed the thought that people move in and out of our lives. Some of them are with us briefly, others remain for years but no matter what the case may be they are in our life for a reason. Each and every person we come in contact with brings some experience or lesson or message with them.

Now I have known this for a very long time, I’ve passed this wisdom on to other people in my life, never so eloquently but even so I have been a true believer in this message for a very long time. The problem is I sometimes forget this and fall into the old pattern of why me? Why am I being treated this way? Who in the hell is this asshole and how did I end up in a relationship with him? How in the world did I ever get so lucky to find someone who loves me for who I am and do I really deserve him? But again, I have used this explanation many times in the past, usually to explain a very stupid or unhealthy decision I’ve made. Somehow it’s easier for me to accept some of the things that I have experienced if I simply accept the fact that I needed someone to treat me poorly in order for me to realize what I did or didn’t like or would no longer accept or tolerate. Other times I used it to acknowledge painful experiences by accepting the fact that just as I had used other people to grow as a person so had people used me to experience their life lessons.

It isn’t easy or comfortable to lose those people that we love and hold dear and others we remove willingly. Whatever the case may be each and every person we encounter brings something special and important into our lives. They each bring with them some life lesson. It is through all of these lessons and experiences that we become who and what we are. We must learn to accept and appreciate the good and the bad.

So, it is time for me to thank someone that came into my life at a time when I hated who I was and was in the process of punishing myself for breaking the heart of someone I loved very much. This person taught me some of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned. He spent ten years teaching me how to be a better person, then I kicked his ass out the door.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for letting me pay all the bills while you spent your money on yourself. I have learned how important it is to have a partner that is willing to share the responsibility of caring for and supporting each other.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for quitting your job because someone pissed you off or looked at you the wrong way. I have learned how much I appreciate a partner that is capable of taking the good with the bad and is committed to his career.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for insisting the house be perfect and spotless. I now know that I am capable of keeping a house spotless but I will never again be a slave to housework. Also, I now understand that a house is not a home and a home does not need to be perfect as long as it is filled with love, laughter and respect.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for launching sharp projectiles at me while my back was turned. I learned very quickly to keep my senses alert and actually developed eyes in the back of my head, just ask my teenage step-sons if you don’t believe this is possible.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for using household furnishings as weapons against me. I am quite confident that I can still deflect a coffee table, a kitchen chair and large pieces of stereo equipment should the need arise.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for making me suffer through days and weeks of silence. I will never again remain silent nor will I allow my partner to remain silent when we have a misunderstanding or disagree.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for insisting on having everything your way. Never again will I allow someone else to dictate my thoughts, beliefs or actions. I will be more than willing to compromise and will expect nothing less from my partner, however, I am entitled to have an opinion.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for breaking my tailbone. Each and every time I sit in that particular position that sends sharp pains up my back it reminds me that I made the right decision when I removed you from my life.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for trying to run me over with the car. I now know that my reflexes are quick enough, and my mind reacts fast enough to enable me to jump on the hood of a moving car. Guess countless hours of cop shows growing up came in handy too. Bo and Luke Duke have nothing on me.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for not giving me the children I so desperately wanted. The thought of having to deal with you for the rest of my life makes me nauseous and makes my heart race. Besides the first time you touched one of them the way you touched me I would have been spending the rest of my life wearing striped clothing.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for clarifying my hatred of the word cunt. Never again will I quietly accept the use of this word as a description of me. By the way, sorry if I hurt you when you called me a cunt in front of the neighbors. I didn’t realize that I was strong enough to pick you up and slam you against the wall.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for allowing your girlfriend to visit our home while I was at work and for allowing her to leave her cigarette butts in the ashtray. I knew right away they couldn’t have belonged to your cousin Tom, it was the wrong shade of pink. I will never again settle for a partner that doesn’t have the balls to try to repair our relationship prior to picking out a girlfriend.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for treating me as your own personal sexual blowup doll to be used and abused whenever, wherever, and however you wished. I will never allow my body to be sexually used or abused again. I will never settle for a partner that does not love, honor, and respect me and my body. I am thankful that the love of my life gently and tenderly makes love to me instead of fucking me, unless of course, I ask him to.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for using me as your personal punching bag. I will never allow another man to hit me or raise a hand to me nor will I ever raise my hand to another human being. I know what it does to a person physically, mentally and emotionally.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for insisting we try marriage counseling. I appreciated the opportunity to share every intimate detail of our marriage with a counselor. Mostly, I appreciated his suggestion that we get as far away from each other as possible. He must have seen something in my eyes that gave him the the impression that I was about to snap. Or maybe he found that shopping list that I misplaced: shovel, duct tape, rope, lime, arsenic.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for not allowing me to quit a job that I absolutely hated because if I had I never would have met one of the best friends I have ever had. A friend that listened patiently and then never failed to give me a swift kick in the ass for settling for so much less than I deserved. A friend that helped me see my way out of a horrible marriage.

Thank you Mr. Asshole for teaching me all of these things and so much more. I will never be able to repay you for the very personal and private lessons. I wish for you only good things and hope you have a rich and fulfilling life.

No, really, I do.