So, you think you can write?

Last night as we sat on the back porch sipping cold drinks we were going over the events of the day, dealing with the events of the moment and planning events for the future. Our conversation turned, as it inevitably does several times a week, to my employment, or better yet the lack of it. As I once again ran through my options, or lack thereof until I get up off my ass and get serious, I returned to my interest in writing a book. You see, I had recently been told that I might have the ability to put a thought down on paper and just maybe I could learn to write a real story or better yet that book that I’ve been threatening to write every time I decide I’d like to work at home. I don’t know maybe it’s just me but there’s something intriguing about crawling out of bed, getting all the boys out of the house for the day and then lounging around the house in whatever garment I happen to throw on at 5:00 in the morning writing stories or yes, that book I’ve been threatening to write. I could eat whatever, whenever. I could take a well deserved break from my busy schedule to make my way out onto the porch to have an occasional cigarette or pet the cats or feed the dog or watch the hummingbirds fight at the feeders. Yes, I’m confident I could be self-disciplined enough to work hard and diligently even though I’d be doing my job in the comfort of my own home. It will be perfect!

As I explained the merits of this to my better half I suddenly realized the one draw back to this whole plan, what if I can’t find anything to write about? I reminded him that I’ve always been a bit shy and have never really been much of a talker so what if I run out of things to say, what then? How To manuals? So, after the laughter stopped and he had wiped the drink that had just erupted from his nose off of his face he smiled and assured me that although I insist that I’m quite shy and don’t talk much I might be a bit mistaken with the evaluation of myself. “I can’t believe you’d say that,” I responded, “I really don’t talk that much.” “You’re right baby, I’m sorry you talk just enough.” Yeah, that’s how it goes, I’m usually right and once he comes to his senses he apologizes, admits his mistake, smiles and then makes some loving gesture to make things right again, you know what I mean, “can I get you a drink” or “can I kiss you sweetly then look deep into your eyes while I tell you how beautiful you are and how much I love you” or “can I get you a valium.” He’s the love of my life, sometimes I love him almost as much as a bad case of the chiggers, but I do love and adore him and would be lost without him. Although there is this really great new invention, I think it’s called GPS or PMS or something like that. Oh wait I didn’t mean PMS thank god I haven’t had to deal with that in about 12 years. That surgery was the best decision I’ve ever made about my health. Anyway, so I go back to explaining to my husband that I’m afraid I won’t be able to write something long enough to be considered a short story let alone a book. Well, he’s not really my husband he’s actually my boyfriend at this point. Although he was my husband but we got divorced and then I married an abusive asshole, that was a huge mistake let me tell you, so once I came to my senses about being married to an abusive man I quickly ended the ten years of abuse. So, once I realized that “hey, I’m a darned good person and I like myself,” I re-established a healthy sense of self-esteem. I was whole and healthy again. I found the most wonderful man that made me feel young again, he was seven years younger than me and he made me feel like a kid again. So, me and the alcoholic stayed blissfully married for at least three years, it only took 14 more years to getting around to divorcing him but some things you can’t rush into let alone fit into your busy schedules. You know, I had to work every day and he had a round of golf followed by the important task of holding down a barstool all afternoon and most of the evening. It was his daily responsibility to make sure that his favorite neighborhood pub wasn’t having financial difficulties. But I digress. So…..that’s why he’s not really my husband but actually my boyfriend, although he was my husband at one time. You see I got an e-mail from him and we got reacquainted, next thing you know I’m moving to Texas to live with the love of my life, husband number one and more than likely husband number four, at least that’s the plan. But what really makes it confusing is his kids call me by my name, however, they also refer to me as dad’s girlfriend, it’s all quite confusing at times. Then just when I got all that figured out they started telling their friends that I’m their stepmother. I like that, well the mother thing, the stepmother thing I’ll get used to eventually if they would just stop putting that word “evil” in front of it.

“So, do you really think I’ll be able to overcome the shyness enough to be able to write a story or a book?” ”And why are you rolling your hands like that, it reminds me of that nursery rhyme, you know the one about rolling up the dough, mark it with a “B” and put it in the oven for baby and me.” I’ve noticed he does that sometimes right in the middle of one of my stories, I just wish he’d tell me what it means.

So, Kim very kindly and lovingly told me he had faith in me and that he thought I’d find plenty to say. Well, I call him Kim but his name is actually James Kim. When we dated in high school he used Kim so that’s what I’m used to calling him but when we split up and he moved to Dallas he started using his first name, Jim. His family and friends and co-workers call him Jim but I just can’t do it, I’m so used to calling him Kim. So I call him Kim but he answers to Jim also. Well, most of the time I call him Baby or Sweetheart or Sexy Man but if other people are around I call him Kim. There he goes again, rolling his hands.

“I’m thinking of trying to write a book about my life, you know I’ve had a few exciting moments over the past 47 years and learned a few important life lessons that I could share with the world. You know I’m a pretty open minded person and consider my life an open book. I’ve never been embarrassed to tell people anything they want to know about me. So what pen name do you think I should use?” “A pen name, why would you use a pen name?” he asks. “What, you think I’m going to put my real name on a story or a book? I don’t want people knowing what a crazy ass life I’ve had, people would know all my dark little secrets.” “I’m sorry baby, you’re right, I apologize. Would you like another drink?” “Yes, thank you but please hurry back so we can continue our discussion.”

Oh, he’s so sweet, another drink for his little girl but I think he might have used a little bit more vodka this time. “So, baby like I was saying I think maybe I need to come up with a name I can write under.” He’s trying to be helpful I know but Little Red Writing Hood just won’t look all that respectable on the Best Seller’s List. “Oh my goodness I just thought of something, what if I end up on the Today Show to talk about my best seller? Did I ever tell you I almost fainted once when I had to appear on television? Pictures I don’t mind, usually, but I don’t know about television. Well, some pictures of me I don’t mind like that one when I was twenty and hot as hell, but otherwise?” Oh, it makes me feel good when he tells me that I’ll always be young and beautiful and sexy to him, like I said I just love and adore him. “But seriously, now that I think about it I’m not all that excited about getting my picture taken. Oh, that reminds me I need to talk to the attorney about those naked pictures of me that the drunkass is threatening to post on the internet. Do you think there’s any way to stop him? Oh well, I’ll worry about that tomorrow. So, anyway, I guess I should try to figure out this blogging thing. Laurie suggested I start blogging but I’m not sure what that means. When you blog do you post little short stories, or long stories, or maybe just a few thoughts and feelings? I think she’s right though, that might really help me figure out if I can come up with enough stuff to get serious about this writing thing and would probably really help me learn how to deal with the shyness thing. What do you think baby? Oh, I forgot to tell you that nasty waxing injury is finally healed enough that it’s starting to fade, I hope it doesn’t leave a permanent scar. Do you want to see it? Yeah, you’re probably right it wouldn’t be good if the boys come out and catch me with my shorts around my ankles, I’ll show it to you later. That was a tough lesson, good thing I started where I did though or you would’ve been out of luck for a few days. So, I think I’ll do some looking around on the internet tomorrow and see if I can get an idea about this blogging thing. I might start trying to put a few words down on paper too but it’s just kind of tough sometimes to think of something to say. Hey sexy man, are you okay?” Oh look how sweet he is sleeping there, I know getting up at 5:00 really wears him out. Hey what a great idea, when I put my fingers in my ears like he does it almost blocks out the frog noise. “Good night sweet prince.”